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In the fist year of my wife’s illness, she often said “I feel so bad, so guilty for leaving you so soon”.
I would usually reply, “It should have been me to get his disease, not you”.
In the last two years of her life, Ilene seldom expressed that guilt. She had come to terms with the fact that she was going to die sooner rather than later. She was more focused on preparing herself—and others—for her death.
But I still feel guilty and simultaneously relieved that I was not the one struck with a terminal illness. And yes, I suspect that this is where part of the guilt comes from. How can these seemingly opposite notions co-exist inside me? I would have gladly traded places with her because I saw (and still see) her as being so much better than me and so much more deserving to have a long life than me. Yet I am glad to still be alive.
We talked about this before her death and came to a simple conclusion. In her “soul’s journey”, she was completing what she set out to accomplish. My soul still has things to complete by being here.
And, even with our spiritual beliefs, I feel I should have been the one to die first. It isn’t a question of whether I am right or wrong in my judgment, it simply is. Perhaps that feeling will eventually disappear. I don’t know. If it doesn’t, I will have to continue to live with it.
I know the sense of survivor’s guilt doesn’t do me, or anyone else, any good. In fact Ilene would be the first to challenge me about it. But that is a feeling that still affects me right now.
What is your perspective on survivor’s guilt? Does it pass? What helps it pass?
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Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and feelings. I too suffer from the feeling that it should have been me. My forever guy was the "doing" one. He was the one out there racing motorcycles and then bicycles, tramping through the woods with the grandkids, sailing or canoeing, riding his bicycle across the USA with his son and daughter and 3 of the grandkids. He never acted his age. I was the behind the scenes person. I was the planner, organizer and mop up crew, he was the doer. Now that he is gone there seems like there is nothing for me to plan, or support or do anymore. The grandkids miss their energetic grandfather and still find it hard to visit. One of the daughters has yet to visit the home farm since his death. I would never ask him back to suffer longer, but I still feel guilty for being here when he could be doing so much more if he was still here. I would gladly have taken his place if I could have arranged it, but I know he would have had an even tougher time surviving alone, so I just go on with each new day trying to find a new path to travel for whatever time I have left in this lifetime. After 10 months I sometimes have days of insight when I begin to get a glimpse of why things happened as they did, so maybe peace with his transition will come yet.
Thanks for sharing your feelings and thoughts. It is a comfort to know others are having the same struggles.
It is hard. :[
Are there any local [cancer] group meetings you could join?
It always helps to talk aloud, or write. Free-write & see what happens; you'd be suprised what might come out.
It also helps to cry if that's a lot you've been keeping bottled up inside of you.